We must destroy the curling robot

Everything we hold dear is threatened by the existence of this mechanical rock-thrower

“Curly,” by all metrics the absolute worst of the Stooges, is the name of this cute machine that was constructed to demoralize the curling community as we know it. The artificial intelligence behind the nuts and bolts of this abomination was supposed to see if a robot could adapt to ever-changing ice conditions and throw perfect draws and takeouts. The madmen behind this experiment have no idea what they have wrought upon humanity and deserve to be called out for this affront to nature. What’s more, this godless contraption doesn’t use the rock handle but instead cradles the stone using two mechanical arms like a boorish hill giant. Curly went 3-1 against top South Korean teams, and never once did it blame the ice, a crucial element of coping with the nuances of this sport. I hate this monstrosity with every fiber of my being. It probably chooses handle colors when it wins the coin flip, the lout.

Per the video, “the researchers believe their machine-learning framework is transferable to other complex real-world applications,” and as a man of science, I have every bit of faith they’ll focus on those real-world applications and completely remove it from the curling community, because if I cross paths with this granny-shot-attempting bag of bolts on a curling sheet, I am going to pour an Arnold Palmer into its circuitry until it begs forgiveness and considers me its intellectual and moral superior.

Anyway it sounds like a cool experiment and I just wanted to share it with all of you.